I would have to say it all started when I had a moment of awkwardness, and from that very moment on, I have had a block that I cant seem to hear my FATHER'S voice lately. It's maddening!
The moment happened the other night when I went for a routine watch of my youngest daughter's adventure sport...Now I left my husband behind because I knew my ex husband would be there and it would in fact be awkward, and I hadn't told him yet that my marriage was official, which i was prepared to do that evening face to face, cause it's just better to that kind of thing personally, ya know? Anyhow I show up at our daughter's event and *gasp* he is there....with....wait for it, (although you probably already know) a girl...not like a girl girl, but a lady girl, like girlfriend. Holding hands and leaning on one another......and as if walking up to that wasn't a bit of - lump in your throat, punch in the gut awkward, he didn't even introduce us...... it wasn't until 25 minutes later when he left the scene (with the lady left behind to fend for herself essentially) that we broke the ice and did informal introductions( naturally she already had the heads up that I was coming and who I was, I however, was not given that courtesy). After that it was no longer awkward, but I just have this huge pit in the organ, formally know as my gut.
Now I go home and sob to my endearing husband, who looks at me as if I have lost my mind. But he doesn't understand.........it's not about my ex husband having a girlfriend, that's not it by a long shot.... in fact it's about another woman taking my spot in my daughter's life. The one who my daughter may like way more than her own mother, since I barely get to see her, cause her dad's schedule is sooooo fricken busy. The woman who is going to take day-to-day care of my daughter, when that something I WANT TO DO. A woman who is going to go bra shopping with my daughter for the first time, meet her boyfriend before i do, get to fix her hair for the prom she will attend, be there when she has bad dreams......... so am I jealous? ABSOLUTELY! but not for the reason most people think, this has NOTHING to do with being jealous about my ex husband moving on, because I think that part is awesome or ausom as we joke in our family, but the fact that my daughter is going to have the woman in my place,*sigh* well I am stomping my foot throwing a fit and be driven crazy with these awful thoughts in my head.
And here's the craziest part...i know that these thoughts are a direct derivative from the Enemy, I KNOW IT, but i cant shake em. I cant get past the whispering of my own personal demons in order to hear my Father's voice of reason and love. I feel alone and I hate it, i hate even more that my weakness is being exploited by the Enemy. I need something, some kind of peace, something............until next time........
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