I will take...WHO AM I? for 500 Alex.......
I am having a thought...yes a thought, I know its hard for some of you to believe that a coherent thought would ever come out of me...but ah alas...'tis true....
I was reading a novel (because that's what I do...I love to read)and it was about this woman who was a tragic teenage pregnancy.....sad, but somewhat inspiring...I could relate..
So I have decided to write about me.... narcissistic? Nope, It's really for me...a sense of healing, remembering, passing time....all of it. So a warning, You probably, like most of my other blogs, have no interest in what follows..and that's ok with me.....really, truly, click your mouse and read onto another blog...totally cool :)
for those of you who have nothing better to do than read about my nonsensicalness, well, then...strap on your seat belt, because we are goin for a ride.....
We are going to start with my childhood...this may take a few blogs now that I think of it.....
My childhood wasn't all puppy dog kisses and wonderfulness, but looking back, my parents probably did the best they knew how........
I was an infant when my Father and Mother got a divorce, and it really depends on who you ask as to what the real story behind that was...reality..it no longer matters at least not to me.....it is what it is......
So it was just me and my Mother living in a duplex..... until I was 2 years old....then she met the man who would be "Dad", my step-dad ( who is still one of my favorites!)
My Mother had my sister shortly after (I am guessing 9 months later actually...) I tried to give my infant sister to the neighbor's when I was 2 and 1/2...I haven't lived THAT down....
We moved a few times when I was little---my house burnt down when I was 4 and with it...all of my toys... it was a very sad year for me. I had a sister i was forced to play with and now all of my toys were gone.....
We finally found a home that we lived in for 10 years...it was great!
I tormented my little sister as any big sister would...ok, I may have been overzealous with the torment...but at the time I felt like she deserved it.......
During the 10 years my Mother moved out at least 3 times that I can recall, always with me in tow, and always for about 6 months to 1 year and then we moved back in with my step-dad....I though that was totally normal, until I was about 13, and then I realized it was anything but normal.......
My sister and I were often times left to fend for ourselves at home while Mom and Dad worked....or did whatever it was they did.....(which was not always work) I learned how to make meals for my sister and I by the time I was 10....not like 5 course meals, but the basics...toast, mac and cheese, ramen noodles, cereal, eggs, pancakes, pot pies, etc
We didnt have a great deal of money, in fact I am sure that the gifts under the tree at Christmas time were from other people in our community who buy gifts for the less fortunate.....
Our home was simple and so was the life my sister and I were raised on....wild game for most of our meat consumption. We never got name brand clothing....in fact some years I was fortunate to get girl's clothing instead of the cheaper boys version.....
We didnt go on big family vacations, the big event every summer was the county fair, and that was paid for by babysitting or collecting cans......
When I was 9 years old I started to notice some things in my parent's life that was...unusual...
Both of my parents used drugs for recreation...again I thought every parent did.....until I was 13, when I realized my step-dad was going to serve time in prison for it.......
Now, my parents didnt walk around the house "recreating" in the open in front of us girls, in fact often times my sister didnt even know.... but I started to pick up on the signs and realized EVERY time my parents were..let's say having a small dose of pleasure.
In fact this "hypersensitivity" I had, to details, came from overhearing how the Feds were trying to set them up, and how they needed to be careful and make sure everything was just as it was when they had left the room......this has, unfortunately rubbed off on me as an adult...I can still tell when something has been moved...the little details I pay ALOT of attention to....
At 13, we moved in with family , since my mom had to try and support my sister and I on 1 income, since "dad" had been sentenced to 9 years......that didn't work out so well......
we lived on our own a few months after...always driving 4 hours to visit "dad" at the prison.....every weekend.....without fail. I enjoyed that actually, because I missed him terribly. Mom was overwhelmed with two teenage daughters and was "going through" a mid-life crisis...... so she wasn't always on top of her game....
She started dating someone else while "dad" was in the slammer...big surprise....not really. But yet we went every weekend up to see "dad" This new boy--yes boy--he was younger than I was for crying out loud!!!!!( yes, that's a sore subject with me, lets just not discuss it right now)---- he was NOT on my list of favorites.....
See I knew my step-dad messed up...I knew it BIG TIME, but he was the guy who taught me how to hunt, how to fish, how to clean a deer, how to cook, how to stack wood so it wouldn't fall, how to sew, how to play cribbage and rummy....he hugged me when I was crying and spanked me when I was naughty.... I knew he had flaws too, I got that, but I still loved him......I still considered him "dad" ....and here my mother was in a relationship with this...this ...kid!
And the horrible part, she didnt even have the decency to tell my "dad" nope, she led him on....right up until he got released 7 years later (early release for good behavior)...UGH!
So during the time when "dad" was away...I tried to do ANYTHING to get out of my house...and that included dating and then hanging out at my boyfriend's house, my mom didnt care much, she was involved in her own thing..........and that's when it happened...that's when I found out I was pregnant at age 17.........
Yep....*sigh*.....It was quite the eye opener....here I was stuck in a home life that I could barely deal with, since mom and I had moral differences .... and I was now bringing a baby into it all? Oh my goodness...a baby!!!!! I was a baby myself for crying out loud.........what did I do?
I faced the challenge head on and accepted my new role as a mom....I graduated on the same day as all of my classmates..much to many people's predictions that i would fail......I gathered my small income, my small bundle of baby and moved out on my own.......This was no small task....but I felt like I had been readied.....
Now today that little girl is a teenager, and she is so amazing....
i have learned from my childhood, that not everything can be hunky dory, and we just live through it....
I also made the conscience decision to break the cycle that my childhood had essentially set up for me....
I am trying to be the most involved mother i can be, and I am trying to make the right decisions that will not impact only me, but my children....gosh I hope they won't have years of adult therapy when all is said and done........
Looking back, I am kinda glad it was the way it was....I can appreciate the simple pleasures in life now, and take nothing for granted.......God knew what he was doing........
Well that's what I have right now...i must get back to my task at hand.....until next time........
