Holding on...by a thread

Another one written in 2017... why does everything have to be so damn complicated? I am trying to do whats right and it's like walking a tight rope--- I can't balance everything and still do the absolute right thing....today is court day for the Littles--- I have had them for a year--- it's been one hell of a year too! They have come such a long way--but have they really? Our system is broken--the department is always citing "reunification" for everything-- I feel like the only thing they have managed to really do is eff these kids up even more, and make excuses for the shitty parents they have. The damn kids didn't ask to be born into this shit storm they have become part of--- they didn't ask for parents who are addicts...and they certainly didn't ask for foster parents--because really? who does that? So i try and stand in the gap-- i have put in EVERYTHING i have in my being for this cause for the past year-- let me tell you the 'collateral damage" it has left in its wake. My youngest daughter is moving out, since she is super stressed about the whole situation at home, because I have to voice my discontent when the Littles aren't around -- and I am dissatisfied with the system--unfortunately the daughter hears the vent sessions and concludes that Momma is stressed (she'd be right)She is also one of the people who has to deal with the ripple effect after the Littles visit with their mom, and how we as a family have to deal with all of that! What A MESS My marriage (what's left of it) has been exposed, and the weaknesses have overtaken everything else-- Is this a result of stress? of having a ton of Littles now home? Who knows-- fact is...it has happened and I am not sure if i can weather it. My family gatherings are fewer due to the wild crazy bunch of pygmies I now call mine-- My family supports me, but I cant say that i blame them when they steer clear of events that my wild crew is part of. Sitters--yep, can't get em--again because of the crazy crew i have-- they devour sitters job--HA, I just got done telling you I can't get a sitter, I also can't take the Littles to daycare since they have been kicked out of the facilities here in town due to their barbaric behavior-- and sure, when they first came a year ago, I could see that...but it's different...slightly ... so job, um no, i have no job---which adds to the everyday stress since I don't bring in any money into my home anymore. awesome Now, what about the Littles-- well like I said earlier, they have come a long way--i mean they can speak and one of them is even potty trained...but every time I make a few steps forward they spend time with their mom and I'm thrown back 40 steps-- I cant continue this yo-yo effect-- I used to think I could make a difference, but honestly I think that's a fricken joke--- I have made sacrificing for children that aren't even mine-- sacrifices of MY little family-- of myself- Can i be selfish and just stomp my foot up and down? Can I have some ME time, some ME stuff? When do i get to work 2 jobs? When do I get to not have all of these responsibilities? Oh that's right, I signed up for this-- I am the one who volunteered to stand in the gap-- I know-- but then, let me HAVE the children as my own...let me decide what the hell to do for them? Let me decide who sees them and when.... oh? no? that's not part of the foster gig? well, then, if you think that mom is so fantastic, it's been a year--let her have them back! Spare me whatever excuses that will fall out of your stupid mouth, shit or get off the proverbial pot! I am tired of being in a holding pattern for my life--- I have had it.