Holding on...by a thread

Another one written in 2017... why does everything have to be so damn complicated? I am trying to do whats right and it's like walking a tight rope--- I can't balance everything and still do the absolute right thing....today is court day for the Littles--- I have had them for a year--- it's been one hell of a year too! They have come such a long way--but have they really? Our system is broken--the department is always citing "reunification" for everything-- I feel like the only thing they have managed to really do is eff these kids up even more, and make excuses for the shitty parents they have. The damn kids didn't ask to be born into this shit storm they have become part of--- they didn't ask for parents who are addicts...and they certainly didn't ask for foster parents--because really? who does that? So i try and stand in the gap-- i have put in EVERYTHING i have in my being for this cause for the past year-- let me tell you the 'collateral damage" it has left in its wake. My youngest daughter is moving out, since she is super stressed about the whole situation at home, because I have to voice my discontent when the Littles aren't around -- and I am dissatisfied with the system--unfortunately the daughter hears the vent sessions and concludes that Momma is stressed (she'd be right)She is also one of the people who has to deal with the ripple effect after the Littles visit with their mom, and how we as a family have to deal with all of that! What A MESS My marriage (what's left of it) has been exposed, and the weaknesses have overtaken everything else-- Is this a result of stress? of having a ton of Littles now home? Who knows-- fact is...it has happened and I am not sure if i can weather it. My family gatherings are fewer due to the wild crazy bunch of pygmies I now call mine-- My family supports me, but I cant say that i blame them when they steer clear of events that my wild crew is part of. Sitters--yep, can't get em--again because of the crazy crew i have-- they devour sitters job--HA, I just got done telling you I can't get a sitter, I also can't take the Littles to daycare since they have been kicked out of the facilities here in town due to their barbaric behavior-- and sure, when they first came a year ago, I could see that...but it's different...slightly ... so job, um no, i have no job---which adds to the everyday stress since I don't bring in any money into my home anymore. awesome Now, what about the Littles-- well like I said earlier, they have come a long way--i mean they can speak and one of them is even potty trained...but every time I make a few steps forward they spend time with their mom and I'm thrown back 40 steps-- I cant continue this yo-yo effect-- I used to think I could make a difference, but honestly I think that's a fricken joke--- I have made sacrificing for children that aren't even mine-- sacrifices of MY little family-- of myself- Can i be selfish and just stomp my foot up and down? Can I have some ME time, some ME stuff? When do i get to work 2 jobs? When do I get to not have all of these responsibilities? Oh that's right, I signed up for this-- I am the one who volunteered to stand in the gap-- I know-- but then, let me HAVE the children as my own...let me decide what the hell to do for them? Let me decide who sees them and when.... oh? no? that's not part of the foster gig? well, then, if you think that mom is so fantastic, it's been a year--let her have them back! Spare me whatever excuses that will fall out of your stupid mouth, shit or get off the proverbial pot! I am tired of being in a holding pattern for my life--- I have had it.

Dream on!

This post was actually written in Early 2017, but I figured I'd include it anyhow.... fuck this! I am tired... not only physically exhausted but fucking tired. I am beyond tired actually--- I am tired of the loss of trust, the loss of love, the loss of my whole "second damn life" I thought I had it all--- love, financial stability, amazing partner in life-- only to realize months ago that I was seriously delusional. I can't even begin to tell everyone how much of a fucking joke this damn "dream " was. Not only did my life partner and best friend betray me.. he did it so many times I can't even keep track--- all the while essentially excusing his behavior for something else?~?!?!? What the actual fuck dude? My finances are in just as much of a disarray as my marriage-- i thought our shit was paid-- only to find out....nope.. that is a whole other entry--- not one for my brain this evening O have made a great friend since this whole shit happened-- unfortunately for me, He lives in Turkey-- as in the country not the poultry-- and he has returned home.. UGH! what a a crock! I miss him soo much! We had so many evenings of shenanigans and I loved every second of being with him--- mostly because he was honest-- but also because he gave me a new fresh perspective on life. Truth.. you want truth right now, why the hell not... I want out. I want out of this misery..but I am stuck like gum to the bottom of a desk from last September.. i am stuck. I cant leave because I am not giving up on the Littles because my best friend/partner fucked up and decided he wasn't in this for the long haul.. Why should THEY suffer... isn't it enough that I do ( spoken like a true Martyr) Sigh. I digress... i am just at a loss today folks... I am ... normally I try and be more positive than this, but alas, I cannot at this point..l might have something to do wit the whiskey or not.... one cant really tell i guess-- especially since this is a blog and my tone and animated gestures are lacking... or are they? another time perhaps.

You look like you swallowed a baseball....

So, i had a tooth extracted the other day--- it wasn't REALLY a whole tooth, actually- it was half a tooth, since the damn thing cracked. At any rate, had it removed--since it was causing some ridiculous pain and honestly, there's nothing worse than mouth pain. Anyhow, removed--evicted it, I did.... then I went off to work. Because why not. Felt fine that night, even felt fine the following day--- THEN...it happened. My face was a little swollen and it was sore--- I just figured that it due in large part to the fact that the poor dentist had to jump on my chair and use it as leverage to get the damn tooth out--thus making my jaw a little more sore than needed. Whatever--took some serious Advil and went to sleep--- only to wake up the next day to a swollen shut eye, huge fat lip, and a cheek that looked like i stuffed a baseball inside my mouth--- Had I gotten into a boxing match with the famous Rocky Balboa? Had i participated in a fight club we don't dare talk about? What on earth happened! oh and the PAIN--- the amount of pain---- what the hell? I scheduled a visit with my Dr. and she looked and examined--- turns out that I had what they call a dry socket-- WHAT?! How on earth? Sigh-- ok, so now how do we fix it? cause DAMN. Antibiotics and a minor pain reliever ... needless to say I was laid up in bed with a face that looks like something out of a science fiction movie and can't eat anything--since my mouth wont really open--- so I did what anyone in my situation would do... I drank a few shots of whiskey--to numb the pain. It worked--sort of..... Fast forward to today-- and I woke up to the same hideous face I saw yesterday--- ugh. Day two of the hostage situation... maybe tomorrow my face will decrease in size and I will be able to actually eat some substance...until then I will just sulk around the house, since going out in public like this is not even kinda an option....

So many things happen over the course of time, I often am thinking of what I could write again, but then Life takes over and here I sit with 13 drafts that will probably never be published. .. well until today HA! Over the course of this past year I have grown into a whole different person. I have changed physically and mentally. I underwent gastric bypass (which has an unpublished entry in this log) and lost 105 pounds--- I lost a person who weighs the same as my youngest sister---maybe we will find that person's picture on a milk carton...speaking of which, do they even do that anymore? I have also developed an amazing level of confidence-- this probably stems from my weight loss...but hey, whatever- I still have it, and frankly I fucking love it. I have had 2 of my children move out into the adult world, since the last time we talked... and with that I decided to bring in 3 more Littles--- ages 10, 3, and 2 years old. What was I thinking? I have no way to describe it other than I needed to stand in the gap for these kids, because nobody else was. They come from a broken, addictive home, and needed some serious love and guidance. So here I start all over with potty training (something I haven't done in 14 years...) Here I start with teaching them to say please and thank you, use a fork, pick up after they are done playing, be nice to the furkids etc. I have started over. My oldest daughter is having a baby-- which means I will be raising Littles while I am also a Grandma (or Noninna--small grandma in Italian) I have discovered that my best friend and partner in crime has wandering eyes-- which is never a good thing. Unfortunately my discovery blind sided me to the point of no return.. Trust has been shattered and I don't think I can recover-- so here I sit married to a man I cannot trust, but cannot leave, since my Littles can only be in a 2 parent home--- great right.....? not exactly my thoughts of a dream life--- but like Grandfather always said--- you gotta take the bad with the good--- so there's that

So, Since I haven't been here in like FOREVER, so much has happened. The latest and greatest development is the choice I have made to become a healthier me. I have been going through 8 months of Nutritional Training in preparation for Gastric Bypass surgery. Now, I am barely over the required BMI for the procedure... in fact, I just squeaked in a mere .2 (yes point 2) to meet the required 40 BMI. In fact, this little number is the very thing that almost got me kicked out of what i like to call "fat kid camp" It was last month (after I had completed all required consecutive appointments) -- pause-- you MUST meet with Dr every month, attend support group meetings, have a psych evaluation, and make those meetings EVERY month, if you miss ONE, then you begin the process from the beginning--- anyhow, last month I received a notice that I no longer met the requirement for the surgery-- WTH! The reason? Because I had no other health conditions --diabetes, high cholesterol, acid re-flux, sleep apnea, high blood pressure-- and i was just under the required BMI. So in my head, they just kicked me out of fat kid camp for being too healthy and not fat enough? Um excuse me?!?! Clearly the infamous "they" had never tried on any of my clothes and looked in the mirror-- I mean I was PLENTY fat. trust me, this I know. I, of course, did what any other woman would do... I got angry and then I sobbed, and sobbed. Thinking seriously?!?! How is THIS even an issue? I am trying to be healthier. Some people will argue that the surgery is the easy way out-- well they would be misinformed. This is a huge friicken life changing event-- EVERYTHING changes-- you have to be accountable for the program, then post op (if you even make the cut) After I have this procedure, i will NEVER be able to eat sugars, bread, carbonated beverages... and i may not be able to ever have beef, or pork...who knows yet. I have tried so many things to help with my weight issue...diets, personal trainer workouts, high protein diets, paleo diets... my god soooo many changes-- and you know how much my grand total weight loss was? 24# Top--- that's it... after 9 months of personal trainer workouts and dieting.... a whopping 24#. are you serious? UGH ..talk about a blow to my fat kid ego... it was at THAT point when I decided to add another tool to my toolbox. So I began to go through the Gastric Bypass procedure. I am no stranger to it, my husband went through it a few years ago-- he did excellent, until he stopped following the lifestyle rules...but that's a another blog entirely :) So I am nearing the actual date of my surgery and I am beyond excited! I am excited for another amazing tool in my tool box. I am excited to participate in 5ks, and without looking like a walrus in a leotard. i am excited to buy clothes that will actually look cute on me and not just on the mannequin.

I have had it with most people around me! time to not only wittle my FB list of friends, but the actual ones around me..... I must admit that there are a few women in my circle that make me CRAZY by the end of the week, and I think its due to me allowing them to get under my skin! Well NO MORE! I am not dealing with these women on ANY level...not in my personal life or in my professional one. I am done allowing them to not be accountable for their words and actions. I was given a voice to speak against those who cant get their facts in order. I was given a strong will to be able to stand my ground. I have decided that as long as i am ONLY defending the truth of any situation, I have no reason to falter or be afraid of offending anyone. I am tired of being your doormat and scapegoat for any issue you have... If you don't have the nerve to stand in front of me and look me in the face to say half of the garbage that comes out of your mouth, then how about you just shut your mouth? Bottom line they are YOUR issues, You can take your issues to the printing press and stay there. Until next time, we are done here......

I am wealthy...

Sunday mornings are one of the best for me... I have the whole house to myself and I can sit and reflect on my previous week, while looking ahead to the week yet to come. Today as I ponder, I realize that I such a wealthy woman. Like TRUE wealth.... We have, since I have last written, "adopted" a son. He is 17 and just a handsome young man. He is smarter than he gives himself credit for. He has been here a month, and I hope he stays with us for years! He is clever and funny, and his smile is rockstar quality. He has become a quick addition to our family, and I appreciate him more than he will ever know. He has accepted us as his family and my love for him is that of a mother, I will love and protect him until my last breath. He is a true blessing.... I am wealthy My oldest daughter has been one of the best teenagers ever. I am grateful for the fact that she isn't a teenage girl filled with promiscuity and angst. She helps out her younger sister with little resistance, and is always willing to step up and be our helping hand. She has beauty in her smile that is contagious to those around her, and a positive attitude that flies along side her beauty. I am so proud of her! I will love and protect her until my last breath. She is an amazing gift from God... I am wealthy My youngest baby girl is now in her awkward middle school life. She is my little fashionista, and such a cool kid. She can turn any kind of seeming "junk" into works of art. She whizzes through literature, gobbling chapters at a time. She is my realist who keeps everyone's feet on the ground when needed. She has a contagious giggle. I will love and protect her until my last breath. She is a little piece of heaven... I am wealthy My pups (who are an extension of my children) are all unique. All 3 of them bring a little something extra to my family. The house, although it is quaint, would not be the same without the clicking of their nails on the hardwood floors. The couch would be empty, even though now, there is little room for the human children to sit sometimes. The nose art on the windows, would be gone, but so would my extra special greetings from the furkids when I arrive home after a long day of work. I will love each of my furkids until their last breath.. I am wealthy My husband accepts ALL of this nonsense that comes with 6 children. He shows me love and respect. He loves each one of our children, and pushes them to their potential (often meeting some resistance) He is my best friend, and I know without him none of the stuff above would be possible. I would be a hot mess without his support. I am able to give my love to all of our children because he fills me with his love when I am drained. Together we stand in the gap. I will honor and love him until my last breath...I am wealthy Real wealth is not measured in just monetary items... that's what rich people have. I have an abundance of wealth, and I would't change it for anything. That's it for now, until next time....