D Day

Today was D Day......not like D day for Normandy, but like the BIG D and I don't mean Dallas....what you still aren't sure what in the world I am referring to? OH PAAAHHHLEEZE, It's the Divorce, duh? Alright, back to my previous thought......today was the day. I say was even though it's not even noon yet, because it's over, the divorce, not the day, come one try to follow along, would ya? At any rate we arrived (yes we, as in together, as in I made sure he was present) early and got in early, how convenient, I mean seriously usually any government operated facility is NEVER on time, and not early by any means, so maybe just maybe God's hand was on this one....even though He was the one who instituted the whole "marriage" thing, I think that even when tragic terrible things happen ( which yes, He allows, because of our own free will yadayadayada) He can turn them into something good. So the fact that we were "sped" up in the process, actually turned out ok, because before I know what was goin on, we were like finished.

So here I sit a "free" woman, for the first time in a LONG time, free in the sense that I can now, move forward. I can stop looking back over my shoulder to see if what i am doing will be looked down on by judgmental people in the community. I can put one foot in front of the other and just move forward! what a sigh of relief! So now this afternoon, I am going to go to a rehearsal dinner, and have an AMAZING time. Then tomorrow I am going to be in a wedding for my friend, and again, have an AMAZING time. Because I can see clearly now....... all the while looking forward and not back over my shoulder....so....here's to a brand new chapter in my life.....out with the old and in with the new......bring on the freedom!......until next time..................

Time marches on....

Today i am home,which is kinda out of the ordinary for me, since it is a weekday and I generally play with the pygmies, but I am taking a personal day. I left the third session of camp a day early to come home. I really missed my best friend, and I had to prep for my big weekend, but mostly my big day. I am sooooo very nervous right now, I am almost shaking out of my skin....tomorrow i sit in front of the family court commissioner and finalize my divorce, you know the thing that was a catalyst of sorts to me blogging........

Now on one hand I should be overjoyed with the fact that I can move onto a new chapter in my life, but it doesn't help with the anxiety of the whole matter........I am scared out of my pants! I have to sit on a court room and face my ex, with a court commissioner asking us questions, all the while crossing my fingers that my ex doesn't speak up and contest anything that we have thus far agreed upon. If that happens I could be delayed a 6-8 more weeks! COME ON ALREADY! I need this to be done so I can move forward!

I won't lie I am also kinda grieving, I mean it is a loss, a huge chunk of my life, no less. But if I look at it from the stand point that I have like 90 more years to go...alright not quite that much, but alot none the less, then it is only a fraction of my life as a whole, which also means that i have a great deal of time to move forward.

I just need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties, and march through my day, putting one foot in front of the other.......I mean really if I think about it this whole thing at the court house is ONLY going to take 30 minutes, and here I am spending HOURS worrying and having anxiety about the whole matter....SIGH! So really, really, I just need to step back and look at the whole picture, you know the WHOLE, 90 year, picture.....Stuff happens, and I just gotta roll with it......cause Time marches on......until next time.................

Check your baggage......

Today I have persevered through yet another hurdle in the big "D" process. I had to attend a co-parenting class, since I have two children that will also be affected by this transition in my life.....At any rate apparently, being the director of a child care center, does not validate my ability to effectively raise my own children without the help of a bureaucratic class. I guess essentially raising other people's children, daily, does not constitute enough experience...or somethin! Not that I am bitter about it at all.....nope.

Anyhow I had to take this class, and pay another fee, so that's what i did today. Now going into this thing I was so nervous, because I never know what to expect with these mandatory classes the state throws at you. It started with 8 of us sitting in a circle...much like a fricken support group. Each of us had our handouts, which were available on-line, I might add, and the "instructor" went over these handouts. Ok, let me first pause here to tell you what I had observed about this "instructor" First of all she was heavier, but that's ok, purely an observation. Her nails were short and painted, albeit a strange array of color and design, still just an observation. She was wearing Lia Sophia earrings and necklace. She had on all black, but brown socks and shoes...a little weird, but still just an observation. She was older, I would guess mid 50s and was going gray. Now what really struck me was that she wore no wedding ring, which meant she had not currently been married. But after the class progressed she informed us that she had been divorced for a little over 10 years and she had raised two children through this divorce of hers, and had since adopted her grandson, and had another child who was 10 from a previous relationship. It kind of made me wonder what her qualifications for such a class was, but......I figured she was the instructor, so I would just sit and listen.

So we start, we each had to go around the room and introduce ourselves, and Oh heavens! There was only two men in this group, and the other women were complete MAN-HATERS! It was awful the things these women used to justify they're situations......One woman, who didn't want the divorce, actually admitted to falling in love with another man at work and was sad that her husband just couldn't deal with the fact that she loved this other man...I mean she even went further to say that it wasn't like she was ever going to act on those feelings for this man, she just fell in love with him and was being COMPLETELY honest about it, well....then sweetheart, in THAT case why on earth would your husband NOT stay? OH COME ON!!!! Then there was a woman who, I believe, had substantial reason to leave her husband, He abused her physically, verbally, and was a raging alcoholic, who was currently serving jail time for domestic abuse......so I could understand her resentment, I guess. Then there was one woman who, actually told us her ENTIRE life story for crying out loud! She had tried to leave her husband two years ago and he threatened that he was going to kill himself, blah blah blah, and so she took him back hoping that it would be different, but it wasn't, yada yada yada, and so she asked her children what they should do, and naturally, since children wonderful problem solvers, and amazing counselors, when they are 13 and 8 years old, they decided to allow mom to get a divorce. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

I mean, yeah I know everyone has issues, I get that, but it can't be the other person's fault COMPLETELY! It was supposed to be a team effort? the TWO of you entered into this marriage, and while one may have been at bigger fault or not, it took two of you to exit.....TWO! My situation is NO different....i could have been a better wife, and I failed, I made daily mistakes, some bigger than others. Yes, He did as well, it, I think, its all about how much one person can handle, which stems off what each of your expectations are. If you start off in a marriage with different expectations, there are bound to be problems...and while no relationship is perfect, how you handle these problems will determine your character as a person and the health of your marriage. I have to admit that my marriage was not even close to be what I expected it to be, but we couldn't get a handle on how to cope with the short comings or mistakes from the other individual. So we both played the blame game, and we both did things that we knew would disappoint the other....it was a colossal failure on both of our parts. So we both sat through this class and kept quiet while the others in the group went on about their spouse's ridiculousness. I have to admit, I found myself wondering what on earth he was thinking......I mean I know there were numerous times when I wanted to speak up, but keep to myself. I guess I can see why people have issues with relationships, I mean we just carry our "baggage" and ideas of how wronged we have been around to our next relationship.....It's this crazy cycle! It's amazing we can function at all!

I Do know that, for me, this has been a learning experience, a stepping stone that I hope I can use to better any relationships I have in my future. To start, I guess I can "check all baggage at the door" Now I just have to implement it............until next time.

Fresh and New...well sorta

So I have made the decision to start a blog, only time will tell if it's really worth it or not, for any of us involved. At any rate I made this decision after a few very big life changing events have occurred. First I filed for the big "D", and second I have moved into a new place. So these two things have left me feeling overwhelmed and looking for some order in my life. Generally when I am overwhelmed I talk alot, but i don't want to ,then in turn, overwhelm anyone who crosses my path, so perhaps writing it down will help....Ha! That's where you got sucked into my whole plan.

Let us first discuss my decision to move into a new place....believe it or not the filing for "d" had little to do with this particular move. I have been separated from him for over a year and had been living in a brand new, and I mean never before lived in by anyone else new, apartment. It was great! Fully loaded! I mean it was new and had all of the awesomeness that comes with being new....only one problem, okay like a dozen problems. First of all if anything became "worn" or gently used after me being there, i was the one who would pay for it....BAH! Next was the fact that they were built soooooo cheap that when my upstairs neighbor was peeing in his bathroom it sounded like he was peeing in mine! No insulation for soundproofing. Which by the way also was less than great when my young lover neighbors decided to make their evenings full of "show me how you love me" marathons! Then there was the fact that my upstairs neighbor, along with half of the rest of the tenants, had dogs! Now ordinarily I am ok with dogs, except that most of these dog owners did not follow the rules! They just let their dogs go to the bathroom pretty much wherever and so I had to constantly be on the look out for the steaming bomb. Now where i am from it snows ALOT and generally the snow covers up these acts of irresponsibility, but now we have been warming up and the snow has melted leaving all of the wonderful little piles of dog DNA! Plus there was the simple fact that the rent was really high! So my decision to move was based on the fact that my lease was up and I needed more money in my pocket ( a cheaper place to rent) and more privacy.....perhaps my own house or in the very least only one neighbor. So I found a duplex which was built probably just after Noah and the flood, which means this baby is virtually soundproof, and it was a ton less per month. I decided it was time.....so I packed all of the crap that one accumulates over a year and have been moving for 3 days. See that's how you have to do it when you work 10 hour days and are moving all the crap by yourself! But on the upside I have moved about 90% of my stuff and fit it into a house about half the size...without too much trouble. Ok I will be honest it has been a royal pain in my butt...who the heck keeps all of this stuff anyway? I have throuwn out more stuff than I have moved and i still have alot of crap! I am thinking of it as the ultimate Spring cleaning adventure!

Now onto my second decision, filing for the big "D". I know, I know, I had been separated from him for over a year so really, what's the big deal? Well, here's the deal. Nobody enjoys admitting they are a failure at anything, unless they suffer from craziness or even depression perhaps. Now being separated for a year was like no big deal, really. But when i had to walk into the local courthouse (which by the way I knew over half of the people in there, not including any inmates HA) and place the papers on the counter, you know the ones that state in black and white, that I suck and I failed at my marriage, I felt overwhelmed! Forget all of society saying that everyone is divorced, or a vast majority are, forget the statistics about today's divorce rate, this wasn't about everyone else and their issues. This was about the fact that whether or not he was faithful or loving, or whatever his short comings were, I sucked at holding it together! Now I am not one of those people who blames the other one for all of the problems, because Lord know I have plenty of my short comings and iniquities, which also contributed to this colossal failure. The fact that I couldn't keep it together for sake of the kids, or that fact that I do in fact feel like the whole thing was my fault, is pretty much crazy, and I KNOW THAT, but still......he wasn't the one who had to go into the courthouse and lay the black and white evidence on the counter stating that he sucked! Nope if I had left that one duty to him I would still be waiting......so I swallowed my pride ( for like 15 minutes) and admitted failure.

Now I am in the beginning proceedings of the big "D" and I have more papers to trudge through. I guess this is another one of those things where only time will tell......

In the meantime, I am going to blog about my days as a hard working ( which can be a whole other blog) single mom who needs to blow off some steam some days.....until next time.....