Public service announcement...

As I scroll through ANY social media, I am inundated with posts about Human trafficking... women who have experienced a threat while shopping, pleas from relatives who's child has gone missing and a fear of human trafficking comes to the front of their mind, stories of huge human trafficking busts all over the nation. What the hell is wrong with people?! I just read a post that was an open "note" to these Human traffickers, and I have decided to draft my own.... Dear Human Traffickers You are getting far too close to my home and I am certain you have social media, so I am giving you a heads up--- a public service announcement of sorts, so pay close attention, because I am only going to give you sick sons of bitches a single warning--- I am not one of those women who will find a security guard to walk me to my car if I suspect something is wrong, I will not skirt behind counters and isles trying to "lose" you in a store, I will not post a long warning on social media, warning others about you.... I have no problem defending myself physically, making a scene, or going after anyone who dares to come after me or my children. I will not cower in hopes that you lose interest in trying to grab me, I will video your sorry ass while I draw my .380 that I carry all of the time. I will chase down your vehicle while photographing your plates and your faces if I must--- THEN i will take it to the authorities and to social media. You will have your 15 minutes of fame, and then your time in prison ( and I have heard that the inmates LOVE people like you) My family is not your prey--YOU ARE MINE. The best protection any woman can have is courage, and frankly I have buckets full.... "go ahead, make my day" Regards, The crazy lady packing heat

Behold the power of Face Book....

I would like to think that people have SOMETHING better to do with their lives ... but I would be mistaken. Unfortunately, people have NOTHING better to do than to keep sticking their noses into other people's business. Honestly, have you no job? no spouse to tend to? no children? no hobbies? What on earth?! I have tested this theory time and time again, and I have yet to be proven wrong. My latest little test nugget was a simply photo posted to Facebook with an ambiguous description.... I left the interpretation of said photo and caption up to the individual scrolling through their news feed--- knowing WHAT conclusion COULD be found. Over 75 likes, and COUNTLESS comments--followed up by personal messages and texts( all of which were great)...but wait, there's more--- some people took the liberty to contact my dear ex husband, who is still my friend, and ask him what was going on--- like he EVER knew what was going on in my head-- come on people, you know better. (not one of THOSE people contacted me) He was contacted SO many times that it warranted a blog i guess. Why can't you just ask the source? why can't you comment on MY post? Why ask EVERYONE else what's going on? JUST ASK ME... I will straight shoot you, if NOTHING else, you have learned over the years, it's that I am a straight shooter--it's a flaw of sorts. At any rate, not that it's REALLY any of your nosy business, I am in a TOTAL committed relationship- He's IT, if he shit cans me, then I am turning lesbian, true story. He feels the same about me (ask him yourself) As i have said before, it is not about the wedding, but the marriage. And marriage is the absolute commitment between two people, with the intent of NEVER parting ways. It's someone you can stand next to in battle and dig your heels in when the going gets tough (and it will) It's laughing at all of your silly shit together. It's looking at one another without saying a word and KNOWING, without a doubt, that THIS is where you're supposed to be. It's posting stupid shit on Facebook and riding out the comments and posts. It's late night shenanigans in Walmart. It's building a deck together, and not killing one another. It's allowing one another to be THEMSELVES. It's the good AND the bad. A marriage is NOT something you need to explain ( although it appears I have...) It's not something that needs a huge pomp and circumstance. It's really NONE of anyone else's business. It's just two people...period. So THAT all being said-- i guess I will still post random nuggets for all of you busy bodies (since I wouldn't want you to get bored with your lives) and I will ride out the comments, and see what comes next...I know one thing is for sure-- I am happy with where I am in my life and who I am with, I am sorry your life is less than wonderful...maybe if you jumped off social media for a moment, you might find some purpose in your life, or maybe not...who knows. Until next time......

There's a first---- day of school

first day of school---- it doesn't mean as much for me now days as it has in the past--- Another season in my life, I guess.... I do still have one child in school--- but truth be told-- she's a sophomore and she isn't annoying during the summer, so her going back to school isn't a big deal for me anymore--- that , and well.... the fact that I have put SOOOOO many kids on a bus for their first time ever that I am immune to tears (forget the fact that I never cry LOL) At any rate, I have been reflecting slightly on today for other moms.... and you will have guessed, I have some unsolicited advice for them... First, at risk of sounding TOTALLY cliche'.... Do NOT take this time for granted--- it passes far quicker than you will ever know. Photograph EVERYTHING!Their first day of school, the first team sporting event and all that follow, the funny shit that happens throughout the year--- get pictures of it ALL---- because soon, that's all you will have, and you'll regret not capturing it. Make them cold lunch once in awhile ( or all the time if you're me) and leave them stupid Mom notes in lunch---while they might roll their eyes now, they will miss that shit when they no longer get it. BE INVOLVED! i mean it... be so far up their asses that they have no idea where they end and you begin--- get to know their friends, get to know their enemies, and be there! follow their social media shit and creepily follow their friends... its ok. KNOW THIS-- those stupid idiots POST EVERYTHING!!!! Follow it, but DO NOT blow up petty shit you see..... just bide your time and ONLY use the blow up method when needed--- trust me on this. Also, take time for YOU! Seriously though, get to that Mom's and Mimosa's, go workout, go get coffee with a girlfriend or by yourself... you need this recharge! Make homemade dinner as often as you can--- this will be something you miss when you no longer have to do it--- except holidays ( and THEN you cook the SHIT out of ANYTHING those kids want!!!) Be ok with the teenagers in your life telling you that you are ruining their life--- you are NOT their friend-- they have enough of those-- you are their parent, and you need to behave as such---- if they hurt your feeling while they are ranting...pull yourself together and deal with it--- you can cry later in your privacy Understand that they WILL lie to you--- choose your battles--- don't freak out about EVERY little thing--- lose your shit on MAJOR things, it makes more of an impact--- and they often times, fear for their lives....which is helpful LOL MOst of all--- just do what you're already doing--- kids are pretty resilient and we cant screw them up TOO much--- and if we do manage to totally mess their little scrambled egg brains, there is always therapy-- which we pay for anyhow--- so there's that. :) Rest easy my parent friends... we got this! Until next time....

Period!

Here's the thing, I'm tired of justifying myself to all of the small town gossip whores, so I'll just get ya all covered at once. Yes, my second marriage has come to an end, yes I have essentially moved , yes, I have a new guy in my life, yes my husband knows about him, no we don't feel bad about it, yes we all hang out together and are adults about the matter, no it isn't weird for us, no we don't need to know what you think about it,

Holding on...by a thread

Another one written in 2017... why does everything have to be so damn complicated? I am trying to do whats right and it's like walking a tight rope--- I can't balance everything and still do the absolute right thing....today is court day for the Littles--- I have had them for a year--- it's been one hell of a year too! They have come such a long way--but have they really? Our system is broken--the department is always citing "reunification" for everything-- I feel like the only thing they have managed to really do is eff these kids up even more, and make excuses for the shitty parents they have. The damn kids didn't ask to be born into this shit storm they have become part of--- they didn't ask for parents who are addicts...and they certainly didn't ask for foster parents--because really? who does that? So i try and stand in the gap-- i have put in EVERYTHING i have in my being for this cause for the past year-- let me tell you the 'collateral damage" it has left in its wake. My youngest daughter is moving out, since she is super stressed about the whole situation at home, because I have to voice my discontent when the Littles aren't around -- and I am dissatisfied with the system--unfortunately the daughter hears the vent sessions and concludes that Momma is stressed (she'd be right)She is also one of the people who has to deal with the ripple effect after the Littles visit with their mom, and how we as a family have to deal with all of that! What A MESS My marriage (what's left of it) has been exposed, and the weaknesses have overtaken everything else-- Is this a result of stress? of having a ton of Littles now home? Who knows-- fact is...it has happened and I am not sure if i can weather it. My family gatherings are fewer due to the wild crazy bunch of pygmies I now call mine-- My family supports me, but I cant say that i blame them when they steer clear of events that my wild crew is part of. Sitters--yep, can't get em--again because of the crazy crew i have-- they devour sitters job--HA, I just got done telling you I can't get a sitter, I also can't take the Littles to daycare since they have been kicked out of the facilities here in town due to their barbaric behavior-- and sure, when they first came a year ago, I could see that...but it's different...slightly ... so job, um no, i have no job---which adds to the everyday stress since I don't bring in any money into my home anymore. awesome Now, what about the Littles-- well like I said earlier, they have come a long way--i mean they can speak and one of them is even potty trained...but every time I make a few steps forward they spend time with their mom and I'm thrown back 40 steps-- I cant continue this yo-yo effect-- I used to think I could make a difference, but honestly I think that's a fricken joke--- I have made sacrificing for children that aren't even mine-- sacrifices of MY little family-- of myself- Can i be selfish and just stomp my foot up and down? Can I have some ME time, some ME stuff? When do i get to work 2 jobs? When do I get to not have all of these responsibilities? Oh that's right, I signed up for this-- I am the one who volunteered to stand in the gap-- I know-- but then, let me HAVE the children as my own...let me decide what the hell to do for them? Let me decide who sees them and when.... oh? no? that's not part of the foster gig? well, then, if you think that mom is so fantastic, it's been a year--let her have them back! Spare me whatever excuses that will fall out of your stupid mouth, shit or get off the proverbial pot! I am tired of being in a holding pattern for my life--- I have had it.

Dream on!

This post was actually written in Early 2017, but I figured I'd include it anyhow.... fuck this! I am tired... not only physically exhausted but fucking tired. I am beyond tired actually--- I am tired of the loss of trust, the loss of love, the loss of my whole "second damn life" I thought I had it all--- love, financial stability, amazing partner in life-- only to realize months ago that I was seriously delusional. I can't even begin to tell everyone how much of a fucking joke this damn "dream " was. Not only did my life partner and best friend betray me.. he did it so many times I can't even keep track--- all the while essentially excusing his behavior for something else?~?!?!? What the actual fuck dude? My finances are in just as much of a disarray as my marriage-- i thought our shit was paid-- only to find out....nope.. that is a whole other entry--- not one for my brain this evening O have made a great friend since this whole shit happened-- unfortunately for me, He lives in Turkey-- as in the country not the poultry-- and he has returned home.. UGH! what a a crock! I miss him soo much! We had so many evenings of shenanigans and I loved every second of being with him--- mostly because he was honest-- but also because he gave me a new fresh perspective on life. Truth.. you want truth right now, why the hell not... I want out. I want out of this misery..but I am stuck like gum to the bottom of a desk from last September.. i am stuck. I cant leave because I am not giving up on the Littles because my best friend/partner fucked up and decided he wasn't in this for the long haul.. Why should THEY suffer... isn't it enough that I do ( spoken like a true Martyr) Sigh. I digress... i am just at a loss today folks... I am ... normally I try and be more positive than this, but alas, I cannot at this point..l might have something to do wit the whiskey or not.... one cant really tell i guess-- especially since this is a blog and my tone and animated gestures are lacking... or are they? another time perhaps.

You look like you swallowed a baseball....

So, i had a tooth extracted the other day--- it wasn't REALLY a whole tooth, actually- it was half a tooth, since the damn thing cracked. At any rate, had it removed--since it was causing some ridiculous pain and honestly, there's nothing worse than mouth pain. Anyhow, removed--evicted it, I did.... then I went off to work. Because why not. Felt fine that night, even felt fine the following day--- THEN...it happened. My face was a little swollen and it was sore--- I just figured that it due in large part to the fact that the poor dentist had to jump on my chair and use it as leverage to get the damn tooth out--thus making my jaw a little more sore than needed. Whatever--took some serious Advil and went to sleep--- only to wake up the next day to a swollen shut eye, huge fat lip, and a cheek that looked like i stuffed a baseball inside my mouth--- Had I gotten into a boxing match with the famous Rocky Balboa? Had i participated in a fight club we don't dare talk about? What on earth happened! oh and the PAIN--- the amount of pain---- what the hell? I scheduled a visit with my Dr. and she looked and examined--- turns out that I had what they call a dry socket-- WHAT?! How on earth? Sigh-- ok, so now how do we fix it? cause DAMN. Antibiotics and a minor pain reliever ... needless to say I was laid up in bed with a face that looks like something out of a science fiction movie and can't eat anything--since my mouth wont really open--- so I did what anyone in my situation would do... I drank a few shots of whiskey--to numb the pain. It worked--sort of..... Fast forward to today-- and I woke up to the same hideous face I saw yesterday--- ugh. Day two of the hostage situation... maybe tomorrow my face will decrease in size and I will be able to actually eat some substance...until then I will just sulk around the house, since going out in public like this is not even kinda an option....

So many things happen over the course of time, I often am thinking of what I could write again, but then Life takes over and here I sit with 13 drafts that will probably never be published. .. well until today HA! Over the course of this past year I have grown into a whole different person. I have changed physically and mentally. I underwent gastric bypass (which has an unpublished entry in this log) and lost 105 pounds--- I lost a person who weighs the same as my youngest sister---maybe we will find that person's picture on a milk carton...speaking of which, do they even do that anymore? I have also developed an amazing level of confidence-- this probably stems from my weight loss...but hey, whatever- I still have it, and frankly I fucking love it. I have had 2 of my children move out into the adult world, since the last time we talked... and with that I decided to bring in 3 more Littles--- ages 10, 3, and 2 years old. What was I thinking? I have no way to describe it other than I needed to stand in the gap for these kids, because nobody else was. They come from a broken, addictive home, and needed some serious love and guidance. So here I start all over with potty training (something I haven't done in 14 years...) Here I start with teaching them to say please and thank you, use a fork, pick up after they are done playing, be nice to the furkids etc. I have started over. My oldest daughter is having a baby-- which means I will be raising Littles while I am also a Grandma (or Noninna--small grandma in Italian) I have discovered that my best friend and partner in crime has wandering eyes-- which is never a good thing. Unfortunately my discovery blind sided me to the point of no return.. Trust has been shattered and I don't think I can recover-- so here I sit married to a man I cannot trust, but cannot leave, since my Littles can only be in a 2 parent home--- great right.....? not exactly my thoughts of a dream life--- but like Grandfather always said--- you gotta take the bad with the good--- so there's that

So, Since I haven't been here in like FOREVER, so much has happened. The latest and greatest development is the choice I have made to become a healthier me. I have been going through 8 months of Nutritional Training in preparation for Gastric Bypass surgery. Now, I am barely over the required BMI for the procedure... in fact, I just squeaked in a mere .2 (yes point 2) to meet the required 40 BMI. In fact, this little number is the very thing that almost got me kicked out of what i like to call "fat kid camp" It was last month (after I had completed all required consecutive appointments) -- pause-- you MUST meet with Dr every month, attend support group meetings, have a psych evaluation, and make those meetings EVERY month, if you miss ONE, then you begin the process from the beginning--- anyhow, last month I received a notice that I no longer met the requirement for the surgery-- WTH! The reason? Because I had no other health conditions --diabetes, high cholesterol, acid re-flux, sleep apnea, high blood pressure-- and i was just under the required BMI. So in my head, they just kicked me out of fat kid camp for being too healthy and not fat enough? Um excuse me?!?! Clearly the infamous "they" had never tried on any of my clothes and looked in the mirror-- I mean I was PLENTY fat. trust me, this I know. I, of course, did what any other woman would do... I got angry and then I sobbed, and sobbed. Thinking seriously?!?! How is THIS even an issue? I am trying to be healthier. Some people will argue that the surgery is the easy way out-- well they would be misinformed. This is a huge friicken life changing event-- EVERYTHING changes-- you have to be accountable for the program, then post op (if you even make the cut) After I have this procedure, i will NEVER be able to eat sugars, bread, carbonated beverages... and i may not be able to ever have beef, or pork...who knows yet. I have tried so many things to help with my weight issue...diets, personal trainer workouts, high protein diets, paleo diets... my god soooo many changes-- and you know how much my grand total weight loss was? 24# Top--- that's it... after 9 months of personal trainer workouts and dieting.... a whopping 24#. are you serious? UGH ..talk about a blow to my fat kid ego... it was at THAT point when I decided to add another tool to my toolbox. So I began to go through the Gastric Bypass procedure. I am no stranger to it, my husband went through it a few years ago-- he did excellent, until he stopped following the lifestyle rules...but that's a another blog entirely :) So I am nearing the actual date of my surgery and I am beyond excited! I am excited for another amazing tool in my tool box. I am excited to participate in 5ks, and without looking like a walrus in a leotard. i am excited to buy clothes that will actually look cute on me and not just on the mannequin.

I have had it with most people around me! time to not only wittle my FB list of friends, but the actual ones around me..... I must admit that there are a few women in my circle that make me CRAZY by the end of the week, and I think its due to me allowing them to get under my skin! Well NO MORE! I am not dealing with these women on ANY level...not in my personal life or in my professional one. I am done allowing them to not be accountable for their words and actions. I was given a voice to speak against those who cant get their facts in order. I was given a strong will to be able to stand my ground. I have decided that as long as i am ONLY defending the truth of any situation, I have no reason to falter or be afraid of offending anyone. I am tired of being your doormat and scapegoat for any issue you have... If you don't have the nerve to stand in front of me and look me in the face to say half of the garbage that comes out of your mouth, then how about you just shut your mouth? Bottom line they are YOUR issues, You can take your issues to the printing press and stay there. Until next time, we are done here......

I am wealthy...

Sunday mornings are one of the best for me... I have the whole house to myself and I can sit and reflect on my previous week, while looking ahead to the week yet to come. Today as I ponder, I realize that I such a wealthy woman. Like TRUE wealth.... We have, since I have last written, "adopted" a son. He is 17 and just a handsome young man. He is smarter than he gives himself credit for. He has been here a month, and I hope he stays with us for years! He is clever and funny, and his smile is rockstar quality. He has become a quick addition to our family, and I appreciate him more than he will ever know. He has accepted us as his family and my love for him is that of a mother, I will love and protect him until my last breath. He is a true blessing.... I am wealthy My oldest daughter has been one of the best teenagers ever. I am grateful for the fact that she isn't a teenage girl filled with promiscuity and angst. She helps out her younger sister with little resistance, and is always willing to step up and be our helping hand. She has beauty in her smile that is contagious to those around her, and a positive attitude that flies along side her beauty. I am so proud of her! I will love and protect her until my last breath. She is an amazing gift from God... I am wealthy My youngest baby girl is now in her awkward middle school life. She is my little fashionista, and such a cool kid. She can turn any kind of seeming "junk" into works of art. She whizzes through literature, gobbling chapters at a time. She is my realist who keeps everyone's feet on the ground when needed. She has a contagious giggle. I will love and protect her until my last breath. She is a little piece of heaven... I am wealthy My pups (who are an extension of my children) are all unique. All 3 of them bring a little something extra to my family. The house, although it is quaint, would not be the same without the clicking of their nails on the hardwood floors. The couch would be empty, even though now, there is little room for the human children to sit sometimes. The nose art on the windows, would be gone, but so would my extra special greetings from the furkids when I arrive home after a long day of work. I will love each of my furkids until their last breath.. I am wealthy My husband accepts ALL of this nonsense that comes with 6 children. He shows me love and respect. He loves each one of our children, and pushes them to their potential (often meeting some resistance) He is my best friend, and I know without him none of the stuff above would be possible. I would be a hot mess without his support. I am able to give my love to all of our children because he fills me with his love when I am drained. Together we stand in the gap. I will honor and love him until my last breath...I am wealthy Real wealth is not measured in just monetary items... that's what rich people have. I have an abundance of wealth, and I would't change it for anything. That's it for now, until next time....

Was I really wrong about her?

Today, I have been irritated. Actually that's an untrue statement, I've been irritated for over a week and a half, but who's counting? Regretfully, I have to admit that I have been a terrible judge in character. Here I thought, Kelly was a loyal, trustworthy, non-dramatic person. I think, as it seems, that I have been wrong. I hired Kelly and was so excited since she seemed to have a great attitude and appeared to also be a team player. Even though her job history had indicated that she hadn't held a job for more than 6-8 months at a time, I bought her excuses that her employers were unfair to her, and how her leaving them wasn't her fault. I mean, she seemed so straight forward---which was AWESOME. Then we had a few "instances" occur and I found her at the center of the chaos and drama surrounding these instances, but even still... i believed her when she gave me, what appeared to be, honest answers. What was I thinking? Here's the other kicker... she actually deflected the blame, throwing my suspicions onto a different staff member--and i bought it! After I had JUST read how guilty people usually do that very tactic! UGH!!! FINALLY, we could no longer see past her unprofessional behaviors. We ended up firing her. Unfortunately, we have had SEVERAL people come to us concerned about her postings on Facebook that bash us. That smear our name, and reputation. Now, I don't personally see these posts as she has blocked me and everyone she quickly associates with me, but somehow, other people come to me with these rantings. I have pushed those off too, deciding that she obviously is a little less mature than I am, and that sooner or later she will run out of steam... however, we are going on TWO MONTHS later and she's still going strong with the slander. I guess, I've reached maximum level of regret. I mean, honestly, how could I have been so wrong about someone? I have been told that it takes all kinds... but geez. I hope someone else doesn't fall for the same song and dance that I did. I used to think I was pretty good at reading people... now, looking back, I can see how wrong I was. Maybe you could get her side of the story by checking out her Facebook... I hear she puts ALL the stuff that others have done to wrong her on there...and she discloses many other tidbits... now I can't confirm it, but maybe you can see it with your own eyes. EVERYONE has a pattern to the behavior... and like the old cliche' A leopard never changes their spots... I guess I should consider that from now on. That's all for now, until next time....

We could be friends...but you have to TRY a whole lot harder

Dear 3 women who don't have a clue, First of all let's begin by saying--- you have become a huge pain in my butt! I haven't given you a second thought until recently, and it would seem (given your actions and words lately) that you do little more, than think of me in ALL of your spare time. I am flattered, I must admit, but also I am over it--- you 3 have made a sad attempt to become stars in the movie SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. I know I am incredibly awesome, but seriously ladies, I don't want to be bothered by your slanderous tongues any further. I also know that this all stems from nothing more than jealousy- Yep, I realize you're jealous because I have an amazing husband, two beautiful daughters, some really great friends (some of which you want ALL for yourself)and lastly, a successful business that I am passionate about. Here's a thought...why don't you take ALL of the energy you are spending on trash talking and instead use it to try and become incredible yourselves.... I mean REALLY, 2 of you could really use that energy to lose some weight---actually a ton of weight would be good for you to lose (since it would seem that when you're not flapping you gums spreading vicious gossip about me, you are feeding your pie-holes with anything you can fit into it) Also, all 3 of you could use with an attitude adjustment...I mean how long can you 3 go on in life blaming EVERYONE else for anything bad that has happened to you? At WHAT point in your pathetic adult lives are you going to assume responsibility for ANY of YOUR actions? How long can you maintain such negativity? How many more people can you count that have "wronged"you in some way? Who else can you possibly smack talk about without getting your fat lonely asses kicked? I am thinking the list can not be too long--- Why not try and get a job that you don't complain about constantly, or how about trying to find someone who wants to spend part of their lives with you (i know this may mean some actual effort on your part) I also know this sounds like a huge hurdle to have to overcome, so I'll start small---How about you just begin this life changing event that you are going to have, with just keeping your damn mouth shut...yes, let's start there... that seems TOTALLY reasonable... I trust you can handle at least that much. Good luck with your life changing adventures ladies... I can't wait to meet the new improved you... until next time....

The cops called today....

Well, the cops called today...about one of our kids...as in the fur kids... Yes you read it right... the cops called about my precious fur kid named Bruce. He is the most adorable dog ever... part great dane, lab and american bulldog all rolled into one heck of an adorable pup. He came to us by chance, we weren't looking for a dog, but he fell into our family, and we LOVE him. So back to the call... seems that he "scared" the neighbor broad. She was outside mowing the lawn, and allegedly, Bruce jumped on her and GASHED her(her words)leg, and she was scared, so instead of being an adult and talking to us (since by the way my husband was standing right there when the dog "attacked " her) She called the cops, not right away, well after the fact. WHAT THE HELL, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!? She felt that since she is the vice president of our local humane society, she had no other course of action... WHAT THE HELL does that even mean?!?! And since he's a pitbul (again her words) she felt like she HAD to report it...WHAT?!?!?! Again I say, you stupid asshole... he's not a fricken Pitbull you ignoramous! How exactly did you even become a MEMBER of the humane society, let alone the vice president if you don't know your breeds. And let's fricken say for arguments sake, that he was a pitbull, what the hell differecne does that even make? Labs don't cause issue? Or how about those yippy little dogs like the chihuahua? Ten years ago it was the German Shepards and before that Doberman Pincers... WHATCH OUT FOLKS, next it will be poodles and pugs! Mark my words! As for the ignorant, juvenile, half whit broad next door... I have two words for you... SUCK IT! That is all, Until next time

Be Prepared.....

Some people are generals, some are soldiers... I am a General I meticulously plan, I gather Intel and then I strike when it is the best opportunity for the win..... Sometimes, timing is never good, so i pass along, keeping the information in my collection and dismissing a strike. Once in awhile I am not able to strike, for I am defending. Defending is easy for me, especially when I am passionate about my objects of defense. I have been idle for far too long, I am ready, today. I am adjusting my armor and mustering my strength, I will not defend, I will be on the offense. The battle will be long and tiring, but I must not falter, for the loss will be too great. I am not fighting just for myself, I am fighting for one other who cannot voice her concerns, and isn't prepared enough to fight on her own.... for not only am i a general, I am a mother..... My planning begins today with a critical move on the field of battle..... Be ready in prayer... “Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” Luke 10:19

stubborn much

You have got to be the most single handedly stubborn woman I know, and because of THIS one variable that was not already calculated into the equation...you will survive. You will persevere and probably come out unscathed... I know this because I am also that kind of woman. We tough gals gotta stick together...we have to help support those who aren't as stubborn. ok and maybe we can even learn a little bit of even-mindedness from the ladies who don't have thick skin, the ones who don't feel the need to carry the heavy world on her shoulders...maybe we can learn to relax...maybe, probably not since THIS is our nature, but maybe. here's to hoping. That is all i have for now...until next time

A letter for her....

Dear unnamed female, So many things I was correct about. I warned you about moving too fast. I gave you EVERYTHING you needed to know about the man you "fell in love" with and then married. There wasn't much else I could have done, besides none of it would have changed your mind in the end anyhow. This was a lesson that you had to learn on your own.. and I think after a little over a year you are starting to open your eyes. The haze is being lifted... I am sorry that the little girl who calls you mom is a point of contention in your marriage, I can't imagine what its like to be a step-mother. I have never had to carry that title. I would imagine it's not easy to begin with, and it's even more difficult when your husband doesn't seem to want to be a supportive partner in this role. Having a united front is essential, and from what I know he isnt capable of having unity with his spouse. It's HIS way or no way...and he often will manipulate scripture or ideas to validate his crazy theories...it's almost like you hear the things coming out of his mouth and think to yourself "did i hear that? Did he honestly just say that? No, I must have misheard because nobody is that nuts" but then you realize the next time when he says the same thing over again that you not only heard it correctly, he REALLY TRULY believes this is the way it should be.... and then you feel like banging your head against a wall.... Being a wife already has it's obstacles to overcome. You have to maintain a job, maintain a home, and try to keep your husband satisfied in all areas of life. Usually it's easier when you have a little help, but I can tell that you don't. I wish you had listened to my first warning a year ago. :( This won't get any easier, and most likely everything that is wrong with the situation will be YOUR fault. You have by now, I am sure alienated your friends, and you probably don't see your family very often either. And if you do see your family chances are they don't enjoy your husband's presence, which puts you in a bit of a spot...trust me I know all about that. You will look for any reason to have people over for that feeling of normalcy again, but it will drift out of the door as soon as company leaves. you will plead with family to accept you husband's presence just so you can have some social atmosphere that doesn't include ridicule from time to time, and they will graciously do that, because in the end that's all you have left is your family. You don't get to do many of things you and he used to do, for a multitude of reasons. You have traded in your fun for duty. You have no passion for whatever you may have wanted out of life, in fact it may even be difficult to pinpoint what it was you used to have passion about. All you know is that there are food you shouldn't eat, things you shouldn't do, people you should associate with, television you can't watch, and money you can't spend. I feel for you, i really do. I wish it could be different, but it won't be. He can change for a few days at most a week. But in the end he will ALWAYS go back to what he knows. A leopard never changes their spots..... How can you go on living this way? You can't..it's that simple. SOMETHING must change. For me it was my revelation that THIS was not how a husband is supposed to behave toward a wife. Scripture says that HE is supposed to love his wife the way Christ loves the church...meaning sacrifice for HER. I don't think he ever understood that. I realized that he wasn't going to switch gears. I could either accept that or not. If i were to accept it I would have to realize that he was probably never going to be euphorically happy with me, and I would have to know that due to that he wouldn't shower me with love, meaning I would be inhabiting a house with someone who was a glorified roommate. Or I could leave. Neither sounded appeasing to me. How could I walk away and admit defeat? (you should read some of my earlier posts on this subject) It was only when I realized that it wasn't JUST me, but my daughters as well, that I made the decision to leave. I knew that I couldn't have my daughters growing up seeing and thinking that THIS was the way a husband was supposed to treat them...I wanted more for them. But that being said you aren't in the same situation... i get that. .. I guess what I am saying is this....don't alienate any more of your friends, you will need them sooner than you think... and never turn your back on your family, they can carry you through anything! Also on last tidbit, I am not, contrary to what you've been told, the enemy. While I would'nt call us friends, I would say we are kindred spirits.... and maybe someday we can look back atthis moment and smile....maybe. Chin up, and stand firm. For what it's worth I have been there and I know what you're going through, and No, you're not crazy or insignificant. I promise. That's all for now......until next time P.S. If you do NOTHING else, at least take back control of yourself. Being miserable is a choice, and feeling crushed and beaten down is not something ANYONE wants to feel...sometimes you just need to have a little control back and things will adjust....with that being said, GOOD LUCK. We will chat more later

One more time...

Saturday... Coffee almost gone, I am on my 2nd cup Dogs (yes as in plural, as in I have been converted to a dog person, and I like it) are resting peacefully at my feet, no need for slippers Husband, still slumbering, I have to say I am not even jealous about his sleeping in today Daughters, both are awesome. Oldest is on the high school varsity hockey team, which crushed their opponent last night. Youngest is a book devourer like her mom, and she's only in 4th grade, so watch out libraries! Both are beautiful and becoming quite the little ladies. This mom is proud! Pygmie business is weathering along. Some days are up and some are down, but hey nothing is predictable in the pygmie business! Over all life is just chuggin away. Sure- there are days when I want to climb on my roof top and scream at the top of my lungs out of pure frustration or exhaustion (the 2 seem so closely related these days) and sure there are people in my path of life who I just want to punch in the face, but I refrain because I am adult enough to have some self-control. And sure there are days when I feel like a failure at life, usually these quickly follow the days where I just want to climb on the roof... But I bounce back and keep on keeping on.... because that's what adults do, we pull up our bootstraps and just keep going. You don't have to think about how many more times you will have to get up after being knocked down....all you have to concern yourself with is getting up ONE MORE TIME. That's me, and today is my ONE MORE TIME in a string of many more I am sure.... That's all for now, until next time.......

Shame shame shame I know your name

So many things i could write about today...so many things I could muse or complain about. ... I am sitting here trying to figure out what to say and if I even want to use my energy up on the thought process of it all. I will admit that I am bothered by some peoples' audacity... I mean we are supposed to be in a more giving mood this time of year right? Aren't we supposed to more kind to one another? I mean more so now this time of the year than any other? Am i being completely ridiculous in my assumption of this? UGH! so now instead of writing at length on any one subject I am reduced to babbling about nothing really...sheesh. great job planetgurl.. great job..... Alright I am now going to try and get to a point.... *good idea* I have a low tolerance for fake people. that being said I also have NO ABILITY to be fake. If i can't handle being around you, i don't fake it, i just remove myself from the situation of your presence. Also if you ask me a question, i cant fake it, i cant lie to you, i will give you my honest opinion...so note to you, if you don't want an honest answer, don' t ask me. I wont offer it up unless I am asked, but once asked, i wont sugar coat it. I am not a bakery, I can't sugarcoat. I am too old to be fake. My time is too precious to waste.... also, a word to the wise, i am usually onto those type of people who are the fake ones, I can see RIGHT through your ridiculousness. I know what your ulterior motives are, you're not fooling me at all! While most people might buy into what you're selling, I am not buying it... so please don't treat me like a fool. I have allowed you to get away with it, until NOW. But my awareness of you is soooooo clear. CRYSTAL clear actually..... That being said, and maybe even long winded, I am done tolerating it. I have reached maximum capacity for bullcrap. I helped you, I brought you in and mentored you. I picked up your slack, without telling anyone I was helping out. I edified you, all of the time. Then you leave while flapping your mouth about how i was unfair to you and did nothing for you? SHAME ON YOU. Even while I heard these things I never spoke ill of you, i didn't say wonderful things, i just didn't say anything at all. You however, being immature and spiteful, just couldn't help yourself.... Then, as if that wasn't enough..you come into my "home" while I am away, and even make it a point to say that you're there BECAUSE i am not, to make yourself feel validated?! Shame on you~ SHAME SHAME SHAME on you! I am so over your childish actions. Honey, lets get ONE THING VERY STRAIGHT, you lack the years and experiences to try and get one over on me...you should just stop trying. I have loyalty and TRUTH on my side, what have you got? You may have a few friends that buy into your bullcrap, but it's been my experience that people who are shallow, disloyal and fake, usually attract the same kind of people...... I kind of feel sorry for you.... that's all for now, until next time....

late spring cleaning

Today i have been going through some stuff in my office..... I have encountered dust bunnies that may be the BIGGEST ever! I have come across some things that I haven't seen in forever.... and I have come across things i didn't even know existed... I have also come to conclude that i should have been keeping a WAY better pulse on some things around here... Some things have been riding the grey area it seems.... In fact, i feel like i have smacked right square in the jaw. I feel betrayed, and lied to.... all because the more I go through stuff, the more I realize someone hasn't been completely honest with some of the aspects of their role .... I am disappointed. I am not sure what to do with my new found knowledge... do i have a carpet call? or do i just let this pass? I am quite bothered by this dishonesty...and it's nothing like HUGE in the big picture, but it's the small stuff, and a lot of it really..... I guess all in good time..right? I will wait for an answer..... that's all for now, until next time...